All about rushing
I was late to my own party last week.
There were a bunch of factors that caused this silly mishap that could have all been mitigated with proper planning. Ultimately, I was running late and still had to gather things and actually get to the site. I whiplashed every time my phone rang. I already don't like talking on the phone very much; so when I am in rush-hour traffic then stepping into the grocery store trying to get last minute items, I end up losing my composure. Not that I get angry with whom I'm talking with, but I drop a lot of pleasantries and patience. I try very carefully to not take it out on people.
It should go without saying that I don't like being like this. It doesn't feel good to have stress affect your communication and regular politeness so intensely. I don't feel like my regular self and it doesn't feel easy to revert back.
In the end, I arrived 45 minutes late, but was still the first one there.
I still felt frazzled for hours after the party started and affected my enjoyment a bit. I was a bit on edge the whole time. Everyone had a good time, but I could not let myself loose. I still felt tight or that something was missing.
Everything went fine and no one suspected anything. What was all my heartache about? I think I expected a lot out of the expectations of others and placed that as a burden on myself. Too much, too quickly, too shortly. I was raised by type A parents, I turned into a type A kid. It feels like if I fail to plan, then I already failed.
It should be obvious that this really wasn't a big deal or a situation that called for so much emotion. No one's health was at risk and the only one upset that day was myself. Too many people that day asked me what my wish for my birthday was. I should start answering that I want to start letting go of this extreme expectation.
