Candid / Bigger disconnection
There exists a filter in my brain that I've constructed over years to maintain a positive outlook on life's happenings. It's not a dishonesty mechanism, really I just manage to see the light through whatever issue presents itself.
It really feels unfortunate that when I am tired this filter seems to shut down. If I don't get the right sleep, physically things are obviously harder to do, but I also feel a sudden negative mental barrier that is worse to overcome than just the energy needed. It obviously bums me out that the candid relationship I've developed with myself sours after feeling exhausted.
My rational brain still knows things will be alright, but the longer I live I realize that the rational brain is good for math, memorizing and that's about it. Belief is more of a gut feeling and the body isn't as easily tricked into that.
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I am craving a much bigger disconnection from technology than what I am doing even now. I consider myself a fairly outdoors person, especially during the summer. Though it still doesn't feel like it's enough.
The other day I was at the studio with C after he just sold a painting and was going to start the next of the series. I was on the computer failing to study. He sat on the couch and in about 15 minutes, banged out a couple pages worth of doodles and ended it by declaring "I got my next painting". I looked through his sketchbook when he was priming his canvas, he said he probably goes through about 20 a year. I had a small realization in that moment.
All the noise heard online about getting offline qualifies the results with such abstract words. But what I was holding in that moment was quite literally the culminated effort of not spending time online. Not to say that C was totally offline, but the results of his sketchbooks and artistry was not achieved by the continuous consumption of online media.
My whole point might not be totally salient in words, but it was undoubtedly felt in my gut as a signal. I've never been to the same level of C's output in sketchbooks, but even if I just want to return to what I was doing at my most passionate level, then I can afford to shed time off Instagram and Youtube no problem. It does feel a little unfortunate that I ended up choosing a career that will land me in front of the computer no matter what I do. But that doesn't mean I cannot make a little effort to wean myself away in the moments I do not need to.
