Why I made this (a.k.a the month of February)
I'm desiring a purely anonymous space to publish some feelings. My journal can only really give me so much resolve. It doesn't matter that I get feedback, or anybody really reads this, but I need to at least try having a space that I can shout about things happening to me. It feels like a lower barrier that no one I know in my personal life will read this. Maybe a stranger will and can sympathize and it releases this tension in my throat.
Essentially, I think this last month has been some of the biggest downs and radical life changes I have had in years.
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My roommate initially said that he'd be moving out in the spring with his girlfriend, then when I could not find people to replace him (no thanks to no effort on his part), I was put in the uncomfortable situation of asking if his girlfriend would just move in with us instead. I don't want to lose my home. Paying for it on my own would be stretching myself out thin enough. So she moved in. The settling of that is rocky because their dynamic is very tense. A friend of mine said they have fought a couple times -- I remember thinking that was going to be a problem if I was around to see it.
I used to be very close to my roommate, but we have grown apart since he started dating (<1 year). He is very codependent and will gravitate towards spending time with only one other person in his life and - intentionally or not - neglect other relationships. I didn't mind since I still lived with him, but I know other people are understandably still sore about it. I never held any resentment towards our drifting apart. What has frustrated me recently is his complaining about me to mutual friends about domestic tasks instead of just taking it up with me in the first place. Every problem could be solved through a conversation, but his poor communication is a recurring issue that lands him in hot water. I'm often the last one to hear about his plans. Like when he originally intended to move out, he texted me saying they were at the showing for another place instead of telling me in person earlier. I was pretty furious about this happening behind my back. We have a signed lease until the summer. I suddenly felt very insecure about my housing situation.
Honestly, I thought things were going pretty well up until that point, but I think our perceived trust soured. As for his complaints and comments, I won't go looking for problems unless he wants to bring them to me. Man is unemployed for months and god knows he has enough time to come find me. I've got enough on my plate already.
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A very long friendship I had ended a couple weeks ago. A friend of mine I met in 2019 whom we grew very close together and were seemingly like that up until last year that things got a bit distanced. Then finally she decided to end the friendship via breakup text. I hadn't seen her since December because she continually cancelled plans with me, usually very last minute. My patience was already growing thin because my available free time was pretty short and my flexibility wasn't there anymore.
The last time we were supposed to see each other it was plans made by her to go out for drinks, and when one of my other friends cancelled (very early in the day due to sickness) she said some pretty rude things in the group chat that I called her out for. An hour later she cancels all plans last minute. An hour after that I get an enormous text that ends the friendship. She accuses me of not defending her enough over a year ago when some other friends of mine decided they would not like to hang out with her anymore after some very valid complaints. Truth is, I had defended her then, but you cannot force two people to be friends or to continue inviting them to their house.
So I lament the way everything went down, but things were largely outside my control and I can't take responsibility for her social life. I felt more cheated than sad about this fallout. I felt my efforts had gone unrecognized and misunderstood. Still, my conscience is clear, I know I did my best for her but if that is not enough, then my goodwill and patience is better suited elsewhere.
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All of the above happening while I am going through a hellish last semester of school and just trying to keep my head above water. My girlfriend and I are both struggling with some intense classes that are demanding a lot of our time. We study together and manage to still see each other a lot. She and I support each other and I know I wouldn't be getting by without her help. Really grateful for everything she does for me. We managed to make some time to go out together this month. It was very lovely. Those were the few moments I didn't feel an anxious lump in my throat. I love her very much.
